This is quite an interesting photo and even more so this morning in my quiet time. I didn’t really consider the words “joy” and “flammable” going together.
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I often forget that when I’m joyful, happy, content and dare I say, ‘comfortable’ then doubt and fear rears its ugly head out and I feel like my world is falling apart. It’s in flames. Life is like that. It’s joyful one minute but it’s also ‘flammable.”
Yesterday as I continued to doodle on pages that would eventually go together in my baby boy’s First Alphabet Book, I played a sermon in the background titled “The Gift of Wonder.” I paid it no mind at the beginning since my focus was concentrated on the doodles. It was also a message I’ve heard before. “Be filled with a child-like wonder.” “The kingdom of heaven belongs to those such as these children.” So in one ear and out the other went the message.
My fingers traced along the wooden colored pencils searching for a color that would brighten up the blank pages. I thought of how my little one would Ou and Ah over the colors and I could hear his sweet innocent voice repeating “D is for door.” That he would be filled with such delight at discovering this new knowledge.
At that very thought, in that very moment, the Pastor going on in the podcast said, “We think we’re so important, things don’t fascinate us. We’ve outgrown wonder and fascination. Ideology of, If you can’t prove it to me, I don’t believe it. It’s a mindset, that if you can’t prove it to me, then I don’t believe it, I don’t receive it. We were designed to be fascinated. God gave us the gift of wonder so that we are drawn to him, like little kids. There’s a simplicity to that…but we’ve labeled innocence as immaturity. We call simplicity foolish. We were called to be child-like, to wonder, it’s a gift from God.” I thought to myself, if my little one didn’t Ou and Ah with fascination, I would be so disappointed. I imagine seeing his sweet innocent face and adorable eyes gleaming up at me. His eyes adorning in everything I say cause a child will trust like that. They trust with every beat of their heart. They are filled with curiosity and wonder. They want to keep discovering what you have to give, what you have to show them because that kind of fascination brings them joy.
God wants that from me. To go to him with a child-like wonder and fascination. He knows I have a need and He wants to fulfill those needs in the way only He can.
“Wonder always creates gratitude. Wonder creates humility. Wonder creates joy. When we lean into wonder we start to see the fruits of the spirit manifest in us.” The lost of wonder, means the lost of gratitude, the lost of humility, the lost of joy. God gives us longing with the intentions on filling them. He created us with this longing that motivates us and pushes us.”
Life has a way of crushing your soul. Disappointments, tragedies, betrayal, rejection, loneliness and all those hurts you’ve endured. When a child is sad it doesn’t take them long to find joy again. We’ve all witness it. A child crying, frowning at not getting his/her way. And immediately he/she moves on to something else, with a pep in their step and a full smile. I know that’s what God wants of me. When I’m hurt, when I’m disappointed, when I’m feeling at my lowest… God wants me to see His truth with gleaming eyes, a joyful heart and a smile as wide as the Nile River. In my hardships I can’t forget all the goodness He’s already done. A child will only dwell on sadness but for a second. If you think about it, they are great teachers of how to be resilient and how to trust.
Mark 10:14 “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”
I still don’t understand God’s timing with my current pregnancy since Jordan is now a teen. I really did want for Jordan to have a sibling when he was 5-6 years old. Perhaps being pregnant now is also God allowing me to be filled with a child-like wonder once again. There’s nothing more amazing then to be in the presence of a child whose world depends on you. They are such innocent creatures who grasp to everything you do and say. God is telling me, “Noi, I know you’ve been hurt, you’ve been disappointment but I’m still here. I’m still the God that will amaze you and do things that you could never imagine.” He’s right. We went so long trying to conceive I had given up.
Raising a teen is so so hard. I thought my feelings were hurt when Jordan was four years old and screamed he hated me. Words from a teenager’s mouth stings a hundred times fold. At times I feel like this phase will not pass. At times I feel like I’m a failure because my teen child has no compassion or any grace to give. Every word out my mouth is met with back talk. The look in my teen’s eye isn’t what it was when he was two years old. It is now squinted in skepticism. It’s a look I haven’t really prepared for nor will I ever be prepared. I look myself in the mirror and ask what could I have done differently, what should I have done? And my heart breaks in pieces. I tell myself I could have done a better. And then my little one inside my womb gives me a big kick which brings me back to reality. To truth. I’ve done all I could do, I’m doing the best that I can do with what I’m given. I need to trust God’s timing. I need to trust that even when it feels uncertain, I can be filled with a child-like wonder, Ou-ing and Ah-ing at the things God has already done for me and will do for me. Like this babe growing inside me. Even when it feels hard, when it feels pointless, I have to keep my heart open and not lose that sense of wonder. A dampen, crushed soul is what Satan wants. He wants the light inside to go out. He wants that spark from your eyes to dissipate. He wants your shattered heart to stay that way. Scattered and broken.
John 10:10 “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.”
But God wants me to be filled with joy even through tough times—even when I’m broken. He has assured me that each piece of my broken heart will be mended. And the spark will flicker and grow again. No matter how many times I get hurt. No matter how many times I fail. Isn’t that what we tell our own kids? We always encourage our little ones that no matter how many times they fail, they can start over. That we love them in their failures and victories. That we are proud of them—always. I trust that God says the exact thing to me. “Noi, I am proud of you and I love you in all your weakness and strengths.” And that’s what I’m holding onto.
Psalm 51:10-12“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.”
